Thursday, May 10, 2012

Something a Little More Personal

I blog about what's on my mind, what's going on in my life, projects, ideas, information that comes my way.  It's not often that I get introspective and want to write about it, but when I do, I think that's my favorite part of blogging.  There's more to me than children, a milk pail, garden dirt, animals, soap, and various projects..  My mind is constantly moving, thinking, planning, worrying, contemplating, and rarely meditating.

There are people in my life that come to mind more often than they might think.  Sometimes it's because something comes up that reminds me of them.  Sometimes it's because there's a mystery surrounding them that I've never quite figured out.  There's one person who is close to my heart in memory, and who also holds a bit of a mystery.  Even though we've come back into each others' lives on and off, here and there, I've never found the courage or the right time to ask.  Is there ever a right time for this discussion?  Would it totally screw things up?  One of the things I worry most about is that asking the question will change or hurt the friendship, and I don't want to lose it.  (He might not even remember!)

My memories are bits and pieces.  The smell of a cool floral shop on a hot summer's day.  Music.  His mom.  A party.  Then there are those that are more tangible, because little do we know the questions that we might leave behind in writing.

You remember writing in your friends' yearbooks at the end of the school year, right?  Do you remember any of what you wrote?  Do you ever think about how those words might be read, and perhaps re-read many years later?  How they are treasured or puzzled over? 

It was an odd friendship in a way.  I thought him dear and sweet, cute, talented, intelligent, and fun to be with.  I was shy in interpersonal relationships, and truth be told I was a bit intimidated.  I wasn't one to "rock the boat."  Two songs seemed to be a soundtrack that wove between us, just adding to the puzzle.  Teenagers let things go unsaid and don't learn to have their voice until much later in life.  We probably thought we were talking to each other, but we didn't know the difference between talking and communicating.

He wrote something really sweet in two yearbooks, and in "real life" I wouldn't have known.  I never asked him about it.  I've worried that I wrote something stupid in his yearbook.  That I didn't follow my instincts the way that he followed his.  We were both just figuring things out as we went along during those high school days.  Did I hurt him with what I might have written, or not?  Did I ever hurt him, unintentionally?  That would be horrible if I had.

One thing I've learned as I've grown older, and hopefully wiser, is that we leave footprints on hearts as we make our way through life.  I try to tread lightly.  Every interaction we have with another human being, no matter how insignificant it might seem to us, can reverberate for a lifetime for them.  Most of the time, we never know.  I want to strew fairy dust and rainbows, warm hugs and kindness along my path, not fear, pain or destruction.  I've "put up my dukes" rarely, but still too often in my life.  I wish I'd known then what I know now.

All I know is that I've been blessed to be reconnected with my friend from time to time over the years.  I am inspired by him, and encouraged.  Maybe by some chance he might stumble across this blog and recognize himself.  If he does and wanted to know what those words were, I could easily put my hands on them.

I honestly love you, my friend.  You know who you are.  Keep on living your dream, no matter how far away, and know that because of you, I can easily conjure a smile, a memory, a warm heart.  Bless you.

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